Rewriting this

This is a snippet from a piece I wrote in honor of my mom. Doing a bit of editing and what not with this piece. Please provide me with feedback.


She heard her mother singing.


            Hanna Bryant then knew that she was in heaven.  She was content to let the beautiful voice of her mother wash over her, to sooth her pain, to let her rest gently on the waves of the ocean.


            She felt a touch and then a spike of pain.  She screamed again as something was ripped out of her, Her eyes opened for a moment, and she with clarity of those who knew truly nothing, saw her mother’s concerned face. Everything began to take focus: the sanitized green of a hospital emergency room, the man in the dress of a surgeon, and the bloody piece of reinforced steel in the surgeon’s hands.  She knew, moments ago, that shaft of metal had been millimeters from her heart, and that maybe she wasn’t going to die.


            And then she died again.




            Hellstorm returned to his war camp.  He was satisfied.  Those blessed Heart Skittles Cheerleaders (Who could keep track of what they called themselves these days?) would bother his minions no more.  But what possessed them to summon him?  Then his stomach rumbled.


            O.K.  So, Peach Sprite was going to trouble him for another few days.  But it was worth it!  Blood pressure be damned!


A couple hours later, in Hanna’s hospital room


            “Who did this?”


            Hanna looked at her mother with her one good eye. The doctors, both mundane, and the ones called in by Cherry Blossom Arts had told her that the other one would recover, as would the rest of her body.  The scars would fade, even the one which nearly killed her.


            Hanna whispered a name, and her mother leaned in closer and asked again.  “Who?”




            Mrs. Bryant leaned back.  Instinctively, her hand went to the chest that contained her sacred armor.  Being a magical woman had some advantages, but she still needed her armor nearby in order to transform.  Hence the chest that went nearly everywhere she did.


            “Hellstorm.  Don’t worry, my beautiful Hanna.  His time will come soon enough.”  The elder woman told her daughter as she closed her eye, falling asleep under the influence of the spells the medical staff from Cherry Blossom Arts had cast.


            The doctor looked at Mrs. Bryant.  “Hellstorm?  Not to be rude Mrs. Bryant, but your daughter’s team wasn’t strong enough to handle him under ideal circumstances. Why did they believe they could beat him?”


            “I don’t know.” responded Mrs. Bryant as she sat back thoughtfully. Hanna’s friend Violet’s condolences had sounded sincere enough, but there was something off about them.  However, that was something that could be dealt with at a later date.  Today, she would watch over the sleeping babe that was her daughter.

  A few months later..


            Hanna got up and flexed her legs.  They were still occasionally stiff, but given enough time, they would return to their proper fitness.  As she did this, she was looking over the notes her friends had brought over.  What notes there were anyway, as most of the students couldn’t keep track of what was going on in class. What was it about magical girls that they couldn’t keep track of their classes? However, by filtering through a dozen or more helpful sets of notes taken in class, and ignoring the personal remarks made in each set, she was able to reconstruct the actual study for the day.


            She looked up at her pride and (hidden) joy.  A certificate she hid at the foot of her bed proclaimed that she had successfully completed the Nevada Business Institute’s studies in Business and Personnel Management. And a personal letter of congratulations from the Dean of the aforementioned institute for her work in obtaining this achievement while she was barely 18.


            After her fateful encounter with Hellstorm, and while her body lay broken in the ICU, and later at home, she had spotted this flyer advertising the course.  With nothing better to do with her time (ice cream was out of her diet thanks to ‘Doctors Orders’), she applied, and found she had plenty of time to work on the certificate when her mother wasn’t around.  Nine months was plenty of time for an over achiever like herself. She knew now that she couldn’t be a Magical Girl Forever.  But why didn’t they tell them in school?  She needed something to help get her life back together, and that was it.  If only her mother understood. She returned her attention to the notes her friends had taken for her on the last day of classes.  Her mother insisted she stay home and rest up in preparation for the Last Ball.  The ball was tomorrow, and she felt she could do it.  A ceremony that signaled the true end of the school year and for the graduating class, it meant much more.


            That, and Knight School was holding its Last Dance in conjunction with Cherry Blossom Arts.


            She glanced at the dress her mother had given her for this event:  A white silk gown that would be just like everyone else’s.  Hanna shook her head.  No originality whatsoever.  Perhaps she should wear something a little more business-like, and see where that got her.  But her mother was going to chaperone this event, and the entire school bodies would be there.


            Her heart didn’t flutter when she went to her wardrobe to find something to wear.

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