Communication 4/12
Hey all, I’m feeling introspective again so I decided to write up a quick blog post to out how I felt.
Here we go!
So, most of my life I’ve never been the best communicator. A lot of this may be a result of how I’ve chosen to communicate in different situations and what I’ve been led to believe is ‘acceptable’ communication. Biggest example of this is in my early 20s I always seem to have problems resolving issues or confronting others with my friends. It took things escalating or elevating to something physically happening before we actually went about solving problems. Even then! We still never had meaningful convo about it, more like a bunch of time passed and we got over it. My question for my readers is why do you think it is that most males are raised in this manner? In particular, African American males. As children we’re essentially taught that if we don’t solve the issue with fisticuffs or letting time pass to squash it then we’re done with that person. As I’ve gotten older, I don’t really feel like that’s an acceptable alternative anymore. I want to be able to rise any child I may potentially have to avoid that type of pitfall and pass on guidance to any other children I may be able to as well.
Thoughts?
An Insomniac's Dreams 
I think this kind of goes hand in hand with the idea that men should be tough. When you talk things out that can be seen as feminine. The “Manly thing” to do is fight physically.
Kinda like why women can cut people with their words and men are more hurtful with their actions.
I think its hard for people to talk things out in general, sometimes. Some people aren’t willing to admit they are wrong, or they never think they are wrong. There are so many things that prevent people from talking things out rationally.
I’d be interested in seeing other responses because this is a deep topic for some to express their feelings on.
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I mean, I don’t think it’s hard for most people to talk things out because I’ve seen my peers at earlier stages in life talk issues out. The only time there have been permanent damning issues has been if there has been some sort of colossal evil or disrespect of a religion.
It’s interesting though as talking things out was never seen as or expressed as a feminine thing in any circle I’ve ever been in.
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I think piinnkkii said it well. There is an expectation for men to tough and resilient. That means not expressing feelings; not saying, “that hurt,” or “that makes me sad.” Our society has taught us that expressing and verbalizing emotions is a womanly trait, not something men should do.
Within the black community, there is a list of things (generalizations) that “black folk do” and list of things “white folk do.” White folk talk about emotions and pain, black folk don’t. It’s perceived as a weakness and abandonment of the culture to behave like ‘white folk.’ ‘White folk’ seek therapy, ‘black folk’ go to church and let the Lord handle the burden.
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Ah there it is. I agree from this standpoint that most men are raised to be tough and resilient without putting feelings out there. Definitely think it’s been a cultural thing for years that’s been weakened a bit as things have become a bit more accepted in our culture.
For example, the same type of views on sexuality that a lot of people in previous generations have scathing perspectives on are widely accepted now. I won’t get too deep into that as I’m pretty sure you get my point but you bringing that up definitely makes me wonder if it’s a generational thing.
I wonder if someone 7-8 years younger than me was brought up with that same mentality as a child by their parent.
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I think she hit it on the head. Males have learned thru society that we have to be tough and not allow others to know we are hurt or offended. So most of the time we convert our pain or feeling to anger where we show off our “manliness” or cut ties with that person.
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Hey Eric! Thanks for commenting bro. Definitely agree with that train of thought. What do you think can be done to derail that type of thinking in men in the future?
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I think she hit it on the head. Males have learned thru society that we have to be tough and not allow others 2 know we are hurt or offended. Society has taught males to be tough and not show pain. So we like to turn our pain or sad.feelings to anger where we can show our “manliness” this will lead to fights or us cutting ties of that person in life.
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I believe we have to show the male youth how do deal with bad situations they come across in life. Have them learn how to approach things the right way instead of hating the world cause of the negativity that we all face in this walk in life.
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I raise my African-American males to use their words. They’re often more impulsive and interested in fighting it out, but I don’t promote that approach. I’m not sure where that come from. Something primal or instinctive? I’m not sure, but I do agree that as kids mature, that they resolve issues in more mature manner.
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Thanks for posting Nicole! Really appreciate the insight you’ve brought to the discussion. What do you think is the #1 source of conflict among your children?
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I am raising my four sons to use their words first and foremost in any situation. I believe that this teaches them to think first and then react, not to be reactionary in a situation. My oldest son has faced a few situations this year that have had him to chose between his fists and his mouth as a weapon. So far, he has chosen his mouth.
Communication in general in my family I place great emphasis on. I want my sons to be able to talk to me about anything. I have a rule set in place that if they really feel they need to be heard, tell me, “I need you to hear me.” Then I will sit and actively listen without interrupting them and let them tell me what they need me to hear.
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Thanks for commenting! It’s refreshing to read once again that someone is raising their boys to react to these situations with their words as opposed to using their fists. One question arose when I read your reply, what do you think is the biggest influence on boys at this stage?
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I’ve always been the type to handle things in the moment rather than letting time go on. Letting things drag on causes unnecessary stress and worry. When conflict arise simply teach the child to discuss their feelings and potential solutions in the moment rather than delaying or putting them off.
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Thanks for your reply Mary. What do you think would be the best solution for solving conflicts that you’d pass on to your children?
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